Relationships

Even though I’m happily married to a healthy, handsome man, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be widowed. I’m sure this question has crossed many people’s minds. I for one often wonder if I could actually find someone who is as good as my first mate. My husband, who is funny, successful, a caring-loving father, a faithful husband, and a wonderful chef, is an all around good package. To find someone else to fit the bill, would be difficult, if not impossible to find. If I was ever faced with the prospects of dating again, I would probably be looking for flaws, comparing this new man to the standards of my late husband.

For many widowed women out there, I’m sure the idea of dating again is a frightening thought. The one question you must ask yourself is, can I trust this person? Some men may come across as being the “ideal man,” until you marry them, and then six months later you find yourself divorced, with half your assets gone. So is it really worth the worry? I for one have asked myself this question over and over again.

If my husband ever died and left me alone to raise our two sons, I know there would be a huge void in my life. I would have to face life’s challenges alone, and would most likely feel sad and lonely. Even though times would be rough, I wonder if I could manage fine on my own? I know from experience, many friends and family members who have been in this very situation and have soon found themselves in another relationship, to help them get over their last one. This has worked for some, and for others, it’s been nothing but a burden.

Most women with young children, remarry for the sake of their kids. This can be rewarding in some relationships, or it can be harmful. Finding “Mr. Right” is a lot harder than it sounds. When a woman is first widowed, she is vulnerable, lonely, and looking for comfort, to take the pain away. Some men might take advantage of this situation, making themselves seem like the perfect man to step in and fill his shoes. Some children may find this to be threatening as well. To have a new daddy in their lives, could be a huge adjustment for any child. Women who are widowed must not only find a man suitable for themselves, but one who is good with children, and who will raise them as their own. Conflicts in the home sometimes arise from having to make these adjustments. So is it worth it?

I guess a person never knows what you would do in this situation, until you are faced with it. Hopefully by that time, a person would be wise enough to know when the “real thing” comes along, and avoid any devasting second marriages.

Want to spice up your sex life, but worry about the environmental ramifications of your sexy purchases? Don’t worry, Treehugger’s Green Guide to “How to Green Your Sex Life” has all sorts of tips. My favorite Tip? Bamboo Sheets, because I’d never even heard of them. As Team Treehugger explains,

6. Bamboo in bed
If you’ve never experience[d] bamboo bed sheets, you’re missing out. Bamboo fabric is silky and slippery (but not so slippery you’ll slide out of bed), wicks moisture, has natural antimicrobial properties, comes from a rapidly renewable resource, and is super sexy.

Read the full article for tips on organic lubrication, vegan condoms, and fair-trade massage oil. There’s so much information you could be busy for weeks (pun intended).

Image via Bed, Bath & Beyond, link originally from Lifehacker.

treehugger, environmentalism, intimacy, relationships

My husband and I have been married for seventeen years, and in that time, we have moved around quite a bit. We have made solid friendships that we thought would last a lifetime, ones that would never be forgotten no matter how far away we lived. But as the months pass, and then a year, without a phone call or letter, we start to wonder, was this relationship that important to the other person?

I pick up the phone and call the long lost friend, thinking there must be a real good reason as to why they haven’t contacted me in over a year. I find out through the conversation, that nothing traumatic has happened in their lives that would deter them from contacting me, and hear the same old lines I’ve heard so many times before, “I was just thinking about you,” or “I was just going to call you.” After the conversation, you know deep down you will never hear from them again unless you make the first move.

I have to admit these kind of relationships have happened numerous times to us. As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.” I think in a lot of respects this statement is true. I’m not saying this of all long distance relationships, because I have some wonderful friends who have kept in contact with me faithfully over the years, sending cards for birthdays, phone calls at Christmas, etc. But sadly as I look back over the years, I think about so many other people I really connected with, who have lost touch, and I often think, “whatever happened to that person?”

The question of ‘can long distance friendships last forever?’ is one that has been haunting me recently. My husband and I will be moving again, in a year from now. We will plant new roots in another town and start all over with making friends. The relationships I have worked so hard to maintain in our current place of residence, may continue throughout life, or they may not. I’ve become rather bitter about the fact, if we don’t keep in touch, we’ll never hear from them. If both people in the relationship don’t mutually keep in contact, I find the friendship not worth the trouble.

As I spend my last year with my friends, I hope they feel as deeply about our relationship as I do, and will go to great lengths to keep in contact, no matter what the distance.

You’ve probably encountered a story or two in the news; whose headline reads something along these lines, “Married for 50 Years and Still Going Strong-The Secret to Our Success”. The story is usually accompanied by a picture of an old gray haired couple grinning from ear to ear. They make it look easy. The rest of us live with the truth. Ever since the dawn of civilization when the first caveman and cavewoman joined in Holy Matrimony, the human species has struggled with one unsolved mystery, “How the heck do we make this work?”

To gain insight into this dilemma, I’ve joined forces with the smartest caveman I know (just kidding-my husband has evolved since we’ve married). Below are our answers to this age old question, given from a man and woman’s bird’s eye view.

The question: What makes a relationship work?

In His Words:

Relationships work best when partners give each other time to do things alone instead of asking, “Why don’t you spend time with me?” We live together and see each other every day. Special time together does not have to happen every weekend. We’ve spent “special time” together all week long just by being around one another. It’s good to have breaks. When I golf 18 holes I feel good and then I want to come home to be with the family. I think relationships work best when each person is given free time.

In Her Words:

I think that in order to make a relationship last you need to start with two committed people. Each person has to have an unrelenting attitude that no matter what screwy curve ball life tosses, they are present and accounted for each time at bat. I’ve seen many older couples in my grandparents’ generation who have white knuckled their way to a long married life. I think that building a happy life together requires more than dogged hard work. I suggest that appreciation and romance be sprinkled liberally into the mix. Each person must feel valued and adored just for being their unique self.

We’ve been married for fourteen years and that’s all the collective wisdom we have so far. My husband and I learn more about this journey every day when we wake up, say “I do” all over again, and face whatever trials may come during the next 24 hours. I’ll have to ask him this question again twenty years from now. Maybe we will have both evolved by then. Stay tuned for the next episode, “In His (Her) Own Words: Cleaning out the Garage”.

Two months from now, my husband and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. It’s been a great trip so far, but along the way I have learned a thing or two about sharing the road with a lifelong companion. I’ve always been quick to point out my husband’s flaws, but today I would like to share some of my own mistakes. Detours, pot holes and wrong turns that I have taken in our otherwise smooth ride. The following is a compilation of Raeshell’s Greatest Slip-Ups in Happily Ever After.

Mistake #1. I didn’t save our first one hundred dollars. A generous family member gave us a crisp $100 dollar bill for a wedding present. As we held the $100 bill high in the air to show our guests, a close relative shouted out, “You have to save it!” She explained that it was an old Filipino tradition to save the first one hundred dollars so that you would never be poor. My husband and I gave a sly look to one another as we agreed to her request (sure we’d save it). It would take us several more years to learn the wisdom behind her warning.

Mistake #2. I said “yes” when I should have said “no”. This has been a reoccurring blunder. Countless times, my husband and I have disagreed on a course of action. My gut would be screaming out a strong “no” from every fiber of my being. At first, I would make my stand and voice my objection only to be worn down by my husband’s persuasive arguments. My strong “no” would turn to a faint “yes”. Nothing good ever comes out of this. I do believe in compromise, but there are times when a person knows through and through that a certain decision would compromise their core values. I have learned that in these instances my “no” must stand.

Mistake #3. I should have never let my Mother in Law move in with us. This whopper of a slip up piggybacks Mistake #2. My Mother in Law is a beautiful and loving woman, but it is difficult for two queens to rule over one castle. In order to protect both my relationship with my Mother in Law and my marriage, I should have decreed a resounding “No way buster!” to this one. I didn’t and it took time (and money) to repair the damage.

Mistake #4. I wish I would have appreciated my husband sooner. For many years, I was too worn out from motherly duties to realize what a great guy I married. He works long hours to financially support us. Even when he is exhausted, he makes it a point to hug and kiss each one of us everyday. Also, he happens to be very sexy. How tired I must have been not to notice!

Mistake #5. My parents should have tattooed, “To thy own self be true” on my forehead. In the past, I have let passion and self expression go undeveloped in the name of mommy martyrdom. I’ve come to realize that this practice not only hurts me, but also the ones I hold most dear. I cheat them from truly knowing me and witnessing my zest for life.

The moral of my story is that mistakes are only speed bumps; they are not the end of the road. A speed bump jolts us out of our automatic pilot cruising and tells us to slow down, take a closer look, and drive more carefully in the future. My mistakes have taught me how to love my husband more tenderly and passionately. I’ve learned a lot on this “’till death do us part” road trip. The fun is taking in the back roads together.

I’ve known my grandmother’s quilts my whole life. At age ten, when I was sick with the chicken pox I wrapped myself up in one and didn’t come out for 7 days. When each of my sons was born, I snuggled them in Grandma’s blankets as I brought them home from the hospital. My grandmother’s quilts can be found in the homes of my mother, her siblings, my cousins, and through out the bedrooms of my own home. Nobody has been left out from the warmth of Grandma’s quilts.

Grandma’s quilts are handmade. When my mother was little she used to help her cut pieces of old clothes in the evening. Since my grandmother lives in Hawaii, many of the strips of fabric are from Aloha shirts and flowered blouses. My grandmother would then painstakingly sew the tiny pieces of fabric together to create a special blanket-her own work of art. She has made these blankets for 50 years.

Whenever I work on my scrapbook, I think of my grandmother. As my sons and I cut out tiny pieces of bright colored paper and arrange the photos on the page, I picture my mother as a little girl helping her mom cut fabric for a new quilt. I appreciate the patience involved assembling little bits together to create something larger and of timeless value. My grandmother’s creative nature has been handed down to me; the need to express my love for my children through hard work. I remember all that I have to be grateful for. She sewed all of these elements into her exquisite quilts and I have wrapped myself up in her teachings.

When we think of relationships, I wonder how many of us think about the relationship we have with ourselves?

As a mother, I know the relationship with myself has drastically changed. It took me some time to go from being a mom to being able to be a wife once my husband came home. I was mom all day and making that switch to wife at night was hard. How could I just turn off who I had been for eight plus hours and be someone else for a few hours to only turn around and go back to mom mode?

A fellow blogger friend, Amanda, has been participating in 365 at Flickr. 365 is about taking a picture that displays who you are, what you are about. I have been following along because as they say, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” I also love photography.

As I have been watching her daily photos, I have learned a lot about her. More so I think than reading her blog. Why? I asked myself this very question this morning when I saw her photo for yesterday.

What Amanda is doing is showing us how she is a mom, wife, dietician, woman, friend, photographer, all in one. She is showing us that we can be sexy and be a mom. She is showing us that we can love our kids, but need a break. She is showing us that we can have a night out with our husband and a night out with the girls. She is showing us that we are all those things always. It is not turning one off and turning on another. We possess those qualities all of the time. She is showing us that we can love ourselves.

While Amanda is an attractive woman, what she is showing us is that being comfortable with who we are and loving ourselves, is what makes one the most attractive.

While I am not going to take pictures of myself I find Amanda’s pictures cause me to pause. Not to think about taking those pictures too, but thinking about who I am. What I want to be. How much I want to be comfortable in my own skin. Even if there is more skin now than there was ten years ago. How mom, wife, lover, friend, daughter , sister can all exist at the exact same time. It is not about being one or the other. Or about turning one off and letting another one in. It is letting all of me co-exist and loving all those parts of myself.

Why do we take so much time and make a huge effort in our relationships with other people, yet we let our relationship with our self wither away to nothing? What if we put that same amount of effort and love into our selves? How amazing would that be? What if we were as forgiving of our short comings as we are with our mate, our friends, our family?

If we let it all co-exist and love all of it, if we accept who we are, all parts, then we will find that we are all beautiful . Inside and out.

Last week was like a Twilight Zone marathon. My husband hopped on an airplane and within hours was transported across the United States for a 7 day business trip. In a blink of an eye, life changed.

A business trip is a bag of yummy green apple jelly beans. At first, the sharp taste of independence entices me. Life enhanced by a new flavor. Gusto added to the familiar taste of every day life. But by the end of the bag, my taste buds are overwhelmed. The tart candy is irritating the roof of my mouth, and I appreciate the simplicity of my old happy go lucky life.

While my husband was gone, I wondered how he viewed our time apart. What was it like for him to step on a plane and travel far away from home? Did we share similar feelings? Or is his experience radically different from my own? Here are our answers.

The question: Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

In His Own Words:

At first, a business trip is exciting. I get a chance to get away from the everyday hustle and bustle. It is a change of pace-an all expense paid vacation. For the first couple of days, it’s nice. I can do what I want. After awhile, the excitement is gone. A routine is set in. By the middle of the trip, I start missing my family. To try and stay happy, I visualize their faces and smiles. At the close of the trip, I am ready to come home. I am ready to end having time to myself.

In Her Own Words:

I secretly look forward to him leaving (if it is a very short trip). It is more work as a temporary single mom, but I also take more liberties. I indulge in take out dinners. I pamper myself with impromptu shopping trips (within reason and budget). The evening chores are done at record speed-no adult conversation to slow work down. The children and I snuggle in bed early to watch movies together. Life is peaceful, borderline boring. I begin to miss the speed bumps. I long for the laughter that fills the house when the children and dogs roughhouse with daddy. I pine for our late night conversations that stimulate my mind with new ideas. By the final days of his trip, I begin to appreciate the joy he brings to my everyday life.

I guess we both fantasize about stepping into the Twilight Zone from time to time- a break from our Married with Children reality. But just like the ill fated characters of this popular science fiction series; in the end, we just long for the return of ordinary life. Luckily, our temporary departure isn’t a permanent one. Stay tuned for the next topic: In His (Her) Own Words: What makes a relationship work?

As a child, I read Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and Miss Manners with dedication in the Variety section of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. Sometime later, I added Carolyn Hax as well, but, after awhile, stopped, because I thought she was a little mean. Now that I’m older and newspapers are so last year, I mostly get my advice fix online. For a long time, Dear Prudence on Slate was my go-to for relationship advice, but when they replaced Prudence with a person who was both controversial and not in line with the advice I would give, I switched to reading Dear Margo, which is written by the person who used to be Prudence but then switched and started writing under her own name. She is way cooler. Oh, and Margo is Ann Landers’ daughter, so there’s a nice continuity with the newspaper mavens of yesteryear.

So, here’s my question. Do you read online advice columns? Which ones? I mostly only have experience with the ones that are traditional, and though I know there are ones on the web that are more snarky, I’m not familar with them. Should I be? On a similar vein, what makes a good advice column? Does it matter if you agree with the advice? What topics are off-limits?

Image via The Newton Daily News

Relationships, advice, advice columns, Dear Prudence, Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dear Margo, Miss Manners

Forgotten Valentine

My husband did the unthinkable. He forgot Valentine’s Day. It’s an amazing feat given I just interviewed him for my blog In His (Her) Own Words: A Perfect Valentine’s Day. If any wife had this romantic holiday covered, it was me. What went wrong? My husband was away on a business trip. I wasn’t there to remind him.

There is a silver lining to my tale of woe and misfortune. My husband is a smart man. I am a resourceful woman. Upon realizing the error of his ways, my wayward love sent me an e-card. Not just any e-card. He read my mind. He didn’t waste words. I won’t share the details, but he left no doubt that he loves and appreciates me more than any man on this earth ever could. This is the best feeling in the universe. There is no other gift that can match it.

I am a clever woman. I planned ahead. I know my husband is prone to forgetfulness (especially if I am not there to remind him). So I took precautions ahead of time. While I bought candy for the kids, I picked up a few items for myself. I purchased several cute shirts (just the right size), a trendy jacket (something I thought my husband might pick-he has good taste), and a romantic video “Chocolat”. Oops! I guess I forgot to mention my shopping spree to my husband. He was terribly busy apologizing over the phone. What a bad memory I have! I guess we’re a perfect pair.

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day to show the people who are important in our lives, just how much they mean to us. Most people express their love by either booking a posh restaurant, buying chocolates, flowers, jewelry, cards, or other sentimental gifts.

I have to admit, Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. My husband and I have enjoyed celebrating this special day for many years now. Like most women I’m a hopeless romantic, always in the mood to be pampered, and like most women, I hope the pampering experience to be ongoing throughout the year. It seems once Valentine’s Day is over, so is the romance.

These days we live in the fast lane, consumed by work, children, friends, family, chores, and so many other responsibilties, that sometimes we forget about our spouse. To keep the spice in our relationship, my husband and I have devised a way to make the “everyday” seem more special. We book a sitter more frequently, so we can enjoy dinners alone without the children, take in movies, go to museums, and enjoy walks in the park. After being married for almost 17 years, I have discovered that our relationship sometimes gets stuck in a rut.

The best way to bring the excitement back into a marriage, is to start “dating” again. This means planning short get-aways without the children, being spontaneous and surprising your spouse with an unexpected gift, cooking a romantic meal, without it being a special occasion, and calling your spouse during the day, to let them know you’re thinking of them. It’s amazing how a little element of surprise every now and again, can keep the relationship exciting, and make everyday Valentine’s Day!

Ten years ago today my husband asked me to be his wife. We were young, 20 and 19, and we were in love. That “I love you so much it hurts” kind of love. We wanted to be together more than anything in the whole wide world.

Three months later we took the trip down the aisle. Quick indeed. I was not nervous nor scared. To this day I will still say that is just felt right. I can not put my finger on it. I can not describe it nor can I explain it. It simply, made sense.

That was ten years, two kids, and two dogs ago. We have been through some severe storms over those years. Some that threatened to take it all down. Some that did some mighty damage. After the storms had passed though, there was still something remaining. Our love. No matter what came our way, no matter how much damage had been made, our love still stood. We made our way through the mess and destruction. Here we are today. I would not change one thing.

My husband sent me this Bible verse today:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.

He said it was appropriate for today and I had to agree. I am so thankful that I have had him to catch me when I fall and lift me back to me feet again. What a great and wonderful gift that is.

In His (Her) Own Words: A Perfect Valentine’s Day

I’ll come clean this time. My husband is much better at choosing Valentine’s Day gifts. I have struck out for the past 14 years in a row. I was listening to the Dee jays on the radio this morning retelling the story of an unhappy wife whose husband gives her last minute Valentine gifts, usually power tools. I felt convicted. My husband has received candy (my favorite), romantic CDs (Phantom of the Opera), and even a troll (guess who collects those).

This year I thought I’d try a different approach. Once again, I’d venture into uncharted territory and just ask him. To give a woman’s perspective for any male readers looking for insight (or last minute ideas), I’ll share my two cents as well.

The question: What would your perfect Valentine’s Day be like?

In His Words:

I would start my day at the golf course (quick interjection: I asked, “Am I golfing with you?” The stunned look on his face suggested that I apparently was not). No, it’s just me and the guys. We’d have breakfast at the golf course after playing 18 holes. I’d come home; take a shower, and a short nap. Then I’d take my wife out to dinner. We would have a nice romantic dinner in a restaurant by the harbor. There would be music that we could dance to. We would sit and eat in front of a fireplace, share a good bottle of wine, and listen to the music. Then we would catch a late night show. After we would head back to our hotel room and…(sorry, MUST censor).

In Her Words:

I want to be pampered. My husband would take the day off from work. He would fix me breakfast in bed. For once, I would not have to spend the morning taking care of the kids (and dogs). He’d have it covered. He would whisk me off to the mall and let me choose whatever I want. I’d even love him to pick out some clothes for me to try on. My husband has excellent taste! In the evening, he would cook dinner. He happens to be a great cook. We’d share a sea food dinner. We’d cuddle up on the couch together and watch a movie after the kids were fast asleep. From that point on, I think our Perfect Valentine’s Day desires become the same (no gory details here).

So, I want to be waited on hand and foot. He wants free time to play with the guys. At least we can agree on dinner, movie, and a little something else. It’s the essentials that count. Stay tuned for the next saga In His (Her) Own Words: Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Tomorrow’s the day - the one day a year that’s equally loved and hated by the same people, the day where men look lost in panic (did she like it, will she hate it, omg what if she tells her friends?!? what if she DOESN’T tell her friends (Hint - women ALWAYS tell!) and oh man, my manhood is leaking out my pants by my left ankle somebody SAVE ME!) and the women have extremely unrealistic expectations just so that they can be disappointed.

That’s right, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

Now, lest you think I’m a vicious and cold-hearted woman, I’ve liked V-day before, and may very well like it again, but for now, it pretty much sucks. Being a young(-ish) widow and suffering through a day of pink and red hearts and flowers just 3 days before having a(nother!) birthday is something I don’t think I’ll ever get used too. It’s an awful lot of expectations to weather in a single week, you know?

This is the second Valentine’s Day without my husband. Last year I practically hid in my room, in my bed, under my covers, just so I wouldn’t have to hear that stupid “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercial another damn time, or be assaulted with anything pink. Or red. With hearts. Or diamonds. Or bows. Or teddy bears.

This year I’m a little better, as I haven’t disappeared under my bed yet - which is good, because earlier? I think I saw a dust bunny attack my cats. I’m a little more snarky, a little steadier, a little bit stronger then I was last year. They (Oh how I hate the infamous they!) always say it takes time, and though things will get better one little, tiny step at a time, things won’t ever be quiet the same.

Kevin and I weren’t sappy lovey-dovey type people. Well, he was, I’ve always been more cynical about it. But even now, almost 18 months after his death, I’d give anything to hear his sappy “Yesterday, today and tomorrow - love, love, love!” again. Since I won’t, however, then I’ll send the thought back his direction instead.

Love-cubed, baby, Love-cubed.

P.S. And hey, the rest of you guys and gals? Take the chance. You’ll never know when/or if it’ll come again.

So it’s been an interesting weekend here at my college and I haven’t written due to said weekend. But the events of the weekend have inspired my newest post that is to follow.

One of my residents has been dating a guy since the beginning of this semester. He is a seemingly nice guy from what I’ve known of him and he treats her well. She is 19, soon to be 20, and he’s a senior so I’m estimating around 22 years old. She’s his first girlfriend, so they’re hanging onto that ‘cute’ stage of a relationship.

However, she and I have been talking a bit about their relationship and she was telling me about the other night, when she was talking to him. He is a practicing apostolic, which he defined loosely as a ’step up from Amish’. They do believe and practice the use of technology, but most of their other beliefs are the same, or similar to, an Amish community. Seeing a man without his shirt on, unless you are married, is a dire sin - just an example from his own sect of beliefs.

Anyway, they were talking about their relationship and he was saying how much he cared for her and he hated the thought of leaving her upon graduation, and how he didn’t understand why she wanted to be with him. “I’m a poor, simple man; I always will be,” he told her.

Ignoring all other aspects of their relationship for a moment, this got me thinking.

I felt so bad for him, seeing that he does really like her and since he is graduating in three months, he wants to think ahead. He wants to see if this is just a ‘college’ fling or feel around for what she interprets their dating status as. But she was baffled, which is why she came to me, that he would say this bit about money.

He told her that he knew how many of his friends had to spend so much money on their girlfriends, so he was afraid she would become ashamed of him and his lack of gift-giving.

I see many of my friends who flaunt gifts from their suitors that equal up to hundreds of dollars, after only a few weeks or months of dating one another. I never really understood it; probably because my own boyfriend and I tried always to be frugal with our spending. But I know so many people who tell me, at the college-age level, that if they’re boyfriend didn’t spend money on them, they’d leave him because that would prove he didn’t love them.

A lack of love for money?

It just concerns me because I wonder what people really think when they say those few words “for richer or poorer”. Is that too, going to fall by the wayside?

Needless to say, I was proud of her answer. She told him that she was looking for a relationship with a strong love attached, with or without the money.

“If you have love, what more do you need?”

From the mouths of babes - why don’t more people understand this?